Morning Person?

Am I the only person who, in the morning, drifts slowly into consiousness, flutters his eyelids open, smiles, then springs out of bed, so invigorated for the new day, that he runs outside - in his bathrobe - and screams at the top of his voice:

"Oh, such a beautiful world! Such a beautiful morning! Why can't everyone and everything just be as awesome as I am? And why the hell am I in Detroit, dressed like a mime?"

Oh, and, despite popular belief, getting dry cement stuck in your eye is no fun at all. But it does give you some optimism. I mean, after all, reasonably speaking, following optical cement, where can you go but up?

Chicken tonight

And on that note:
If there's one thing that really bugs me, it's incomplete chicken costumes. I mean, if you're going to go to the trouble of dressing up like oversized fowl, do it right, man!

To be a poet

What I learned in school today:

Gertrude Stein sounds like a large chicken. That is all.

From the depths of hell

EVIL! EVIL! EVIL!
Sorry.  That was just the ol' evil alert.   Why did it go off, you ask? 
Wait, what's that you say?  Oh.  Um, so, um, you didn't ask that.  You asked if you could borrow my fishing pole, some bleach, and a club-footed puma.  I see.  I'll be right back.

(an hour passes...)

Ok, I'm back.  I'll tell you anyway about the evil alert, and you'll see how sorry you'll be when you find out the reason.  You'll be like "I am so sorry, now that I found out the reason," and then later, you'll be like "I was so sorry, having found out the reason."  And then much later, you'll be like "I had been sorry..." well, you get the picture.  On to the EVIL!

I have a computer science course here at Cornell, CS312.  The last assignment of the year - arguably the biggest, was recently posted.  In it, the following instructions are written:

"A week after the problem set is handed out, there will be a specification change. This could be a change to the rules of the game, to the language, or to bot features."

Ignoring the details of the project, just think about that one for a second.  That's like a history teacher saying "Oh, yes, write a paper on 'The Protestant Reformation and Its Effects on Local String Bean Farmers in Indonesia,' " then two weeks later, saying, "We've changed the assignment to 'Catfish and You: A Retrospective.' And write the essay on a live manatee, not paper."

Crazy?  Yes, but not too crazy for computer science.  Revel in the heartlessness!  Feel the burn!  Set your hair on fire!

I'm gettin' a vibe

Ok, um. Right. Yeah. I've got the feeling that I ought to update this blog. You see, I've been getting these vibes. They're simliar to "smart waves" in that they look like this: -.-.-.-. Anyway, so these vibes said to me, "Hey, Mister Skumperwider*, it's time for some updates, and pronto! After you're done you can do whatever you want - go play skeeball! Go shoot movies! Or people! But now, updates ASAP. Don't make me get out my broccoli..." Well, there are children (or at least easily amused people) watching, so I won't get into it, but let it suffice that they had me convinced. So I made a resolution: I will have been updating at some point. (You see, the vibes don't understand the future perfect progressive. I showed them!) And that, my children, is why Kazakhstanians don't wear cheese....oh, sorry. Wrong document. And that, my children, is why I will update soon. Oh, yes. This wasn't an update. Call it a "pre-update." Or call it Bob. I don't care.

* That's the vibes' nickname for me. I call them Klaus, sometimes.

Stalkerific

I seem to have been accosted by a denizen of the web with the pseudonym "Evil Stalker Bastard," as featured in my chatterbox on the right. (At least I assume it's a pseudonym. Your parents would have to be pretty twisted to name you that, wouldn't they?) Hmmm. I wonder who you are. You see all I know is that you likely live in a cornell dorm, you use Internet Explorer 6.0 [Mozilla/4.0 (compatible; MSIE 6.0; Windows NT 5.1; .NET CLR 1.0.3705; .NET CLR 1.1.4322)] with Windows XP, your IP address, though it has likely changed, is 128.253.171, you visited on February 14, 2004 at 8:42:48 PM, you didn't click on any links on my website, your blood type is O+, you have a penchant for fancy dinners with white wine and fish, and you get along well with most of your family, except for your little brother, but everyone agrees that something just isn't right with that boy, anyway. Oh, and one more thing - don't wear that brown shirt you've set out for tomorrow. I know it looks cool, but I hear that brown is the new pink. Or maybe the other way around. Or maybe it's gray that's the new lavender? I get confused. In any case, I do know that some colors are really disguised as other colors in this season. Ask my friend Juliana - she's a Textiles and Apparel major, and I think she gets this. Maybe they have a class on knowing what colors really are. Deep stuff.

Anyway, Mr. Bastard, so now who's the stalker, huh?

Clouds

In other news, I may not get kicked out of Cornell, after all, if I can wade my way through some Big Red Tape. I guess every dark cloud has a silver lining. Except in Ithaca. Where it gets too cold to have clouds that do anything but block out the sun. I was cheering today, when the temperature soared a full 3 degrees above the predicted high. Yes, my friends, it was a whopping 8 degrees Farenheit (for you Europeans, that's 235.6 degrees Celcius, if I calculated it right. Then again, I'm not doing too well in Physics these days, so I could've made a sign error...)

Wow. Did I just spend some precious moments whining about the weather? I apologize. I'm posting this one, but I guarantee something better very soon. Or at least something more disturbing. Just give me a minute.

Pants + Fridge = Excitement!

My pants are in my mini-fridge. No kidding. It's partially due to the fact that I'm a computer science major. Yeah, alright. I may explain this. Later.

Poll

So I wanted to do a poll to see what people think - though those who actually read this may not be the best sample of modern trendsetters, it's what I have access to. Send me your answers by posting a comment or clicking here to send me an IM (using AOL Instant Messenger™):

And the poll question is (drumroll, please):

Does this font make me look fat? 1) Yes 2) No 3) The late Strom Thurmond Choose wisely, friend.

Ready, AIM, fire!

So, based on the fact that I've been getting an unusual amount of hits recently (4 a day or so) without fairly recent content, makes me think that it might be a good idea to add something. But, you see, I just started school, and it occurred to me that I'm taking 21 credits as a Computer Science major. (Translation: I'm going to either be that annoying over-achiever that you love to hate, or one of those people whose friends and neighbors end up on the news saying things like "but he was such a nice guy.") As such, though I've gotten off to a decent start - one whole week without failing - I haven't really been thinking much about what to write. However, do not despair! Friends, Romans, countrymen and Janet (that rather odiferous lady I met last week at the supermarket) - lend me your ears. Or at least read on. Here is an actual IM conversation I had with my friend Ari. I don't know - I started joking, and he played along. I guess I just found it amusing:

Me: So when're you coming? Ari: one sec... Me: Um, I mean Shavua tov. [Hebrew for "have a good week."] Me: It came out wrong. Me: That's what I meant to say. Ari: shavua tov Ari: umm... Ari: i'm not sure when we're coming Me: I see how it is. Ari: i have to check out my calendar, and check with the others Ari: possibly march Me: You don't love me anymore. Ari: unclear Me: What is it? Did you meet someone else? Me: Is it the way I wear my hair? Ari: it isn't true, i tell you Me: Or how I bite my toenails? Ari: Me: I could stop -honestly! Ari: you'll never take me alive!!!! Me: Yeah, grovel, you worm. Ari: ok, you force me into this Me: You won't be going any where without this... Me: <holds up Ari's liver> Me: Ha! Ari: they'll never catch me Ari: aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah Ari: my liver!!!! Ari: it was YOU all along! Me: Uh-huh, and if I go, the liver goes with me. Me: Your call, buster. Me: Anyway, so March, huh. Me: I guess I'll just cry myself to sleep until then. Ari: i'm thinking yeah Ari: i guess so